I want to precede this by saying that the following is not meant to induce shame or guilt or make anyone wrong. What I’m aiming to do here is to dig a little deeper and have a closer look at relationships, self worth and ultimately personal accountability. When I came up with my intention for Gal Pals Unite it was about us, as women, lifting one another up and creating a collective community of woman to grow together, make a stand for one another, to honor each other and the common thread we all share. To be vested in the best and highest good for one another and create a collective unity.
Gal Pals Unite is evolving and there a few brave men that have joined in the mix. Maybe they are interested in the workings of the female mind or even better they are asking themselves some of the same questions. It’s not just for girls, it’s about connection and unity between people.
If you’ve been following my blog for some time you’ll have an inkling that everything I write about is inspired by the events of my own life. I’m going to touch on a subject that I know is loaded and I’m also fully aware that there is going to be some extreme judgement about the “good” and the “bad” and “right” and the “wrong” of what I’m about to say. I’m asking that before you jump off the deep end you’ll approach what I have to say here with an open heart and an open mind, and whether you have been on one side of this equation or the other, my hope is that some healing will come your way as a result.
Writing about this has been big for me. There are so many different facets to this subject and going forward I’d like to delve into all of them a little deeper. This is one part of the equation, the other parts coming soon. Again, this isn’t about the “story” so much rather the result of a lot of time reflecting on all of the moving parts..Hopefully there is something here for you….
I’ve skirted the issue here, in many of my previous posts. So, if you read between the lines you’ll have already had an idea of where I am going with all of this. Today I’m going to, as delicately as possible, let the cat out of the bag. My intention again, in sharing not to humiliate or shame anyone but rather to communicate that it is possible to approach and come at some of the more complex relationship issues from a space of understanding and love. I have walked through what I am going to share here more than a few times and my feelings about it all have evolved a great deal from what they once were. I’ve come at this from all different angles and have spoken to many women that have found themselves on one side of this equation or the other. I have been completely broken, have had horribly heinous thoughts about inflicting the equal degree of pain on those that I perceived wronged me. I’ve gone to the depths of despair and come out again. I’ve been overly accountable, accepting the “blame”…had I just been “ENOUGH” than it wouldn’t have happened and I’ve also gone the other way and played the total victim. I’ve even found myself in a compromising situation that very quickly could have spiraled out of control, so when I say I’ve lived every side, every part of this. I mean it. I feel as though I could write an entire book on the subject, but today I’m going to break it down to one part.
The other woman.
To clarify, the other woman being the gal that has captured the attention of your significant other. Now, if by chance you are one of those brave dudes reading Gal Pals, just switch it around so that this all makes sense to you. Whatever side you find yourself on in this, hopefully there is some value and insight to be gained.
I’m talking about infidelity, cheating, extra marital activities, screwing around…whatever you want to call it. Now, I KNOW that if your other half has strayed and you are still hurting about this, you may still be finding yourself feeling fully justified in wanting to scratch this b****es eyeballs out, shave her eyebrows off and maybe even pull a handful of hair out of her head (yikes, where did that come from LOL)…and let’s not even discuss what you would like to do to your mate. Yes, I know…it hurts, and when we are hurting we want to lash out and hurt back. I have felt such rage in my own life that I had thoughts that I didn’t know I was capable of having…talk about uncovering your shadow side! I found mine in those days and it frightened me to think that the nice person I thought I was would find myself having feelings and thoughts like that. I assure you, it’s normal and all part of the process and it doesn’t mean you’ve lost your marbles, they are just temporarily scattered is all.
So girlfriend, you’ve found yourself in a precarious position…you’ve gotten yourself tangled up with someone that is in a committed relationship. Yeah, I get it…you have a “connection” with this person and you’ve convinced yourself that this guy is the be all end all for you. He makes you feel “good” about yourself, like you are special and because of that you have allowed yourself to become invested in a fantasy of a life together with some one that is entangled. Is this not horribly complicated and conflicting for you? I get it girl, you think this will be different…and who knows it might well be. You may run off into the sunset with your prince charming and the two of you will live happily ever after. That’s what you hope for I know, but more often then not things could go the other way, and that is going to cause you so much heartache. I’ve seen the turmoil and suffering that comes as a result of this. It’s no joke.
It’s a shit show in the making. BIG DRAMA. You are not the first, and most likely won’t be the last. I’ve seen it unfold too many times, and more often than not when push comes to shove and an ultimatum comes into place, the other woman(you) most often gets ousted. Tossed aside. That’s the risk of playing second fiddle, being the perky distraction, the summation of everything and possible fantasy that this man perceives to be missing in his life with his mate. Maybe he’s done, maybe you are the catalyst…I’ve thought about that too…but the situation is still a sticky one and I for one wouldn’t want the burden of that resting on my shoulders.
Please girl, think about this, why have you gotten yourself in a position that you must compete for the affection and attention of a man that holds you in second place? Why do this to yourself? Are there not plenty of good guys out there that aren’t bound and entangled? Someone that is willing to commit himself to you and honor who you are? You don’t need to be the other woman, you could be the woman. It’s complicated, I know.
To love and honor yourself enough to hold space, to not put yourself in a position like this. Open your eyes!
Maybe you’ll get what I’m saying, maybe it’s falling on deaf ears. This is an invitation for you to step out of LA LA Land and ask yourself what the foundation of this relationship is built on? Who are you to this person? Are you a welcome distraction? A toy, that gets discarded once a newer, better, shinier version comes along? Love yourself enough and recognize your value, so that you can be MORE than just a distraction. You are probably too deep in, so vested in the fantasy to even think clearly about this all. Is this not torturous to you? To not really know with full clarity where you stand, and the level of commitment this man has towards you?
Or, is what you have based on a mutual honoring and respect for each other? Whereby you are consciously driven to want what is in this persons highest good? That you care enough about them as a human being to look outside of your own desires to support them in honoring themselves and thereby honoring yourself. Please look seriously at the foundation you think you are building your house on. Taking stabs and making digs based on your own insecurity about where you stand is not only dishonoring your own spirit but also creates havoc and conflict in the mind of the person you say you love. It’s desperation. It’s selfish. It’s the stuff that goes against the workings of our soul, and the energy that’s created by being so conflicted only brings in more of the same.
Honor yourself first and foremost, know your worth, conduct yourself with some personal integrity and do this because YOU LOVE YOU and are deserving of someone that respects you and will see you as an equal. Yes it’s true you are serving a purpose, filling a perceived need…and I get it, at the end of the day we are committed to ourselves, we want to do what feels good to us. I don’t want to fault you for that. I really don’t. I haven’t met a person that didn’t want connection, to feel important in the life of another, to feel loved and valued. That love has to start with you, you can’t give it to someone, when you don’t have it yourself. Don’t build yourself a train wreck, a relationship that has all of the makings of codependency.
Start with a clean slate.
Personally, I don’t want to “need” someone to make me feel good. I don’t want to be conflicted about creating potential drama in the life someone I care about and value. My personal choices are made in such a way that I will maintain and preserve my personal integrity, to remain centered and grounded and not become unhinged because I’m driven and run by my emotions. What I’m saying is ultimately my self worth reflects the choices I make. At the end of the day, when my head hits the pillow I want to be at peace with who I am. No drama, no inner turmoil, no personal conflict. My desire is to live my life in a way that is congruent to my values and that for me entails leading by example.
I guess at the end of the day we all need to move through these experiences to learn and grow, and things somehow play out the way they are meant to. I’m just sayin’ girl, choose wisely…be conscious of your decisions. Not for me, not for him, but for yourself. Carrying shame and guilt only contribute to a deficit in your self worth.
I’m done with being angry. I’ve simply reached “burnout” stage. I’ve come to a place that I know I can’t possibly fill the holes in another human being. I don’t want to be someones feel good medicine. I see things from a different space and have come to the realization that I will no longer compromise myself for someone else. I can no longer turn myself inside out and try and make myself fit into a mold that just isn’t working, for either of us. I’ve tried may times and the results are always the same. I’m finished waiting for an “epiphany” to happen.
As for the other woman…I’m grateful. You’ve been a catalyst for change and have served some divine purpose. That is all.