There are certainly no shortage of life lessons in my world lately. One that has been eliciting a huge emotional response in me over the past two weeks has to do with receiving. The more that I realize that I need to work on this, the more opportunities I am given to practice. It just goes to show that when we set our intention the Universe, God, Source (whatever your word is) supports us.
One of my biggest blocks is the conflict I feel in charging for a service I provide. I pour my heart and soul into something when I do it, and I very much want to create value for others. I take a lot of pride in doing things well. No matter what I have done through the years, I've basically done it for free or next to nothing...Why? Well, I think it's just because I'm just so super NICE.
Actually, NO, that's not quite right. This is where it gets weird...I gave myself away because(in no particular order);
1. I used it as a tactic. "As long as I give this to you for free, you will OWE me". There, I said it. My currency was love, admiration and acceptance.
2. By undervaluing my services I foolishly thought people would not be able to complain or criticize what I did for them, as they must simply be grateful and not have any expectations. I could do what I did on my terms. A nicely package form of control and a "safety net" of sorts. I had power in that situation, not authentic power, but power nonetheless.
3. I felt like my self worth was tangled up in what I did for everyone else and the more overboard I went in doing, giving and "helping" the more I was a person of value. I ran myself ragged to say the least.
4. Whoa, this one just came to me...I was afraid to succeed. I was afraid of what that would mean in my primary relationship. Being that I had been in a very "traditional" set up I think that I didn't want to rock that boat. I knew that would be threatening to my other half, since he placed a very high value on being the bread winner.
I really didn't realize just how much of a problem I have with receiving and I know to transcend that I need to look deeper, past all of the fluff and deal with the nitty gritty stuff. Fear has been a huge motivator. Fear of not being enough. That thought alone has played a central theme in my life, as much as it has caused me to diminish myself it has also served me. I've excelled at many things, related to my home and my children as a result of feeling that way. But now it's time to clear the obstacles that are keeping me from realizing my full potential. I set an intention months ago to empower my life in matters of finance and career and to do that I need to know my worth.
I need to take my garbage out and do something new. In the weeks that have passed I've been on the receiving end. It's meant charging for my services, accepting help from the neighbor(more than once), allowing a friend to buy me lunch and a few other BIG things that I can't disclose until after the weekend...in the meantime I am grateful to be grateful. I am surrounded by an incredible tribe of people that have supported me in this new and very important lesson, and it is from a place of that gratitude that I am teary eyed - yet again! I'm learning to simply "smile and say thank you".