I grew up in the 80's - a product of punk, Valley Girls, head bangers and preppy culture. My music tastes were diverse; Duran Duran, Madonna, Guns and Roses, INXS, The Cure and Aerosmith. I liked it all...the 80's were an awesome time.
Late 80's I met a boy on summer vacation while visiting my grandparents and fell head over heals "in love" AKA infatuation. I told everyone I knew after that summer that he was "the one". At the ripe old age of 18, we married.
Fast forward 20+ years later, 2 kids, too many dogs, some intermittent shit shows and many trials and tribulations later, my interest is perked while tuning into American Idol. Steven Tyler was a judge, I was thoroughly entertained that season. He made an impression on me then (and on another gazillion people too), the season ended and life carried on.
A few years pass, it's 2014, what I like to call "The Year of Steven Tyler" LOL. I was in the midst of a major personal
upheaval wake up call, that caused me to question pretty much everything about my life, my worth, my relationship.
It's been months since my wake up call, the "upheaval". I'm much more centered now, but at the time it happened I was suffering. BIG TIME. I'm not even sure that the word suffering even does justice for how felt, I was totally broken and in a state of mind that I never in my life thought I would reach. Pretty much the lowest of low and if it's possible to die of a broken heart I think I was close. I wanted to crawl into a hole and never come out. Sounds pretty pitiful, I know, but that's where I was at.
I had taken all of the "eggs" out of my own basket and put them into someone else's for safe keeping and that person did not look after them. They dropped the basket and broke the eggs. Lesson learned...take care of your own eggs and don't give them all away, because at the end of the day everyone is in it for themselves.
Okay, lets get on with it, shall we?
Well, we know that I chose to climb out of my hole, I made a choice to put my big girl panties on and get myself out of the funk I was in. The message was clear as day, that I could not put my trust in another human being to look after me, to honor me - if I couldn't do that for myself. I had to invest in me, and put some eggs back into my basket.
Over the years I minimized myself in my primary relationship. I've made excuses, elevated that person. I felt powerless in some areas of my life and allowed this person to take over. I say I was infatuated, and I've noticed that people have a hard time with this word because they see it as being completely consumed - heart thumping madness. Of course there are degrees of that, but still, I'd like to broaden the meaning to include this; the perception that someone or something has or is giving you something that you can't give yourself. We subscribe to the falsehood that we are incomplete, and that couldn't be further from the truth(more on that another time).
The crash and burn and disappointment I had pretty much burned up any remaining feelings of grandeur I had associated with this person. And as one infatuation came to an end, another one began. Along comes Steven Tyler...(unbenounced to him)
I'll precede this by saying I have never had a "celebrity crush", so to find myself in a place of going goo goo gaga over Steven T, was new to me. It was a welcome distraction. Looking back it probably was exactly what I needed at that moment to help me reclaim part of myself and create a space of healing. The spring and summer of 2014 had me high as a kite(endorphins), I felt alive. I became fixated on Rock & Roll, blasting Aerosmith, driving
a tad bit recklessly, smoking electronic cigarettes (say what?!?!), putting feathers in my hair(I still do that) emulating a man that represented FREEDOM, CREATIVITY, AUTHENTICITY & SECURITY to me(incidentally all the things I felt were missing in my own life). Whoa! I'm pretty sure that everyone I know thought I was loosing my marbles, I was COO COO over someone that didn't even know I existed, I'm almost a wee bit embarrassed by the whole thing.
Part of me knew exactly what I was doing, but I was not letting go of the fantasy that was making me feel so freaking good. I felt like I had something to look forward to, and I did because in August I went to see Aerosmith play in Las Vegas, and I bought the VIP Wheels Up package, which included a meet and greet with... Guess who? Again, totally out of character for me.
That's right, I got myself all dolled up, spent time, energy and money to stand in line like a sheep (I don't "do" lines) with over a hundred other "fans" to have a few fleeting moments with the object of my affection. I actually had a few moments of "What the f*** am I doing here?" While I was standing in that line up. I felt like a schmuck. I suppose it reminded me of how I diminished myself in my relationship, lost myself to someone else.
So finally my turn, Steven T, very engaging for a little over two minutes "we shared together," hugged me, smiled pretty for the picture and gave me a kiss on the
cheek lips, cheek, both...hell I can't remember. It all happened so fast, a total blur, a whirlwind. It felt like Christmas did as a kid, to look so forward to that one moment and then it's gone in an instant.
Being infatuated with someone or what they represent is exhausting. It takes you higher than high and lower that low. Trust me, I'm well practised. I can think about so many other ways I would have "sold myself out", maybe done things I normally wouldn't have (like standing in that f***ing line up!) as many of us do as a result of elevating someone above us, putting them on a pedestal.
So, now that I have come back down to earth(for the most part), I'll say this; I still think there is something super cool about Steven Tyler, people that are doing what lights them up, following their heart and dreams inspire the hell out of me. I think now that I feel like I am living in alignment with my own purpose, doing what I love that I see things more clearly. I can see that whatever I perceived in him, I have in equal measure, only in a different form, I just had to recognise this.
I have no regrets, I got a lot out of this all. The concert was great, I spent a few days with a dear friend of mine discussing philosophy, relationships and practising yoga in our hotel room...in Vegas(nerds). And once again found another part of myself on that trip.
I'd love to leave you with this thought; consider where in your life and to who you are relinquishing your power to, and what it is you perceive that they have, that you don't and start looking. You are just as beautiful, intelligent and powerful as anyone one else, you just need to find out where you are showing up that way in your life! Claim it and own it![contact-form-7 404 "Not Found"]