I've been reflecting....
Over the last few years, my own personal experience has shown me that the things that present themselves in our lives (the great and not so great) are all perfectly orchestrated to give us some deeper understanding, some form of healing and a new level of awareness about ourselves. If we are willing to see the message. Once I can get past and clear my preprogrammed way of thinking(which usually involves me feeling sorry for myself and feeling like a bit of a victim), I ask myself, "What is the lesson in this for me? What is it I am supposed to be getting out of this?
Interestingly enough, once the fog parted, I started to understand (at least partially, anyways) what was making my spitfire of a child so angry with me and why I have been so terribly reactive to it. Our relationship is in what I would like to call a "transition". It's a big adjustment for a parent, once their child moves into adulthood, coupled with the self-assured arrogance of youth. We've all been there...remember the days that you thought you knew everything better than your parents did?
Sometimes I have to wonder that maybe there is a bit more wisdom there then we credit them for.
I think for the most part our generation is much more self-aware then our parents were, and probably more involved in our children's lives. In an effort to be a "better" mother, (we are always upping the ante, aren't we?) I have been much more involved in my children's day-to-day lives then my parents were. Well, now the time has come that I must learn to step back and allow my child to forge her own path. To trust her instincts, to make mistakes, (it's hardly avoidable) learn from them and figure things out for herself. It's natural as a mom to not want your children to fail, we've made a career of keeping them safe and comfortable. Trying to prevent them from experiencing pain - be it physical or emotional.
So in my well-intentioned efforts to "ensure" my daughters success in this upcoming fitness completion I have been bombarding her with suggestions and questions about mostly her protein consumption. "Did you get enough protein", "You know, you haven't eaten enough protein" and more of the same. I'm sure all she hears is "protein...BLAH BLAH BLAH...protein BLAH BLAH BLAH". What I didn't really think about is what this makes her feel like...being that she is ultimately the "captain of her own ship", she knows what she needs to do to be successful and my attempt at advising her makes her feel like I am trying to control her or worse yet doubt her. I know now more than ever that I need to allow her to have her own experience no matter the outcome.
So, yes although my intentions were not ill willed in hounding my daughter - she calls it micro managing, I call it caring. I understand that I can still care and remain somewhat silent, which actually helped me realize that my own mothers "silence" did not mean she did not care, on the contrary she allowed me to step into my own power even as a young woman. So I guess I can finally start to let go of the thought process that caused me to overcompensate in the first place. Isn't amazing when a turn around like this happens? Through this experience with my daughter and some serious reflection I am able to do some healing of my very own. Feeling ever so blessed to have these souls in my life. So, sweet child of mine...spread your wings and fly and should you lose altitude, or do a nose dive I will forever be there to mend your broken wings and see you reach the stars!